The Wisdom of Dave Barry

[dianeduane]

...whose stuff I've always loved, especially the line about the new definition of "apostrophe":  "Look out, an S is coming!".  But these is so much good sense here that I've copied the whole thing. (And there's a link back to the source.)

Fourteen Things That It Took Me More Than 50 Years To Learn—by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

...Perfection. 

 

 

Comments

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

... I miss Dave.

[mizkit.livejournal.com]

Numbers 1, 6 and 13 have long since been among my rules to live by. I love that list. :)

[particle-person.livejournal.com]

I have trouble with 6. I care that I can't dance well. I feel all uncomfortable, even if nobody else is in the room. I think it's something to do with not being able to synchronize to the rhythm for more than a couple of beats.

[mizkit.livejournal.com]

I suspect I have an unfair advantage/fondness for that particular rule, as I took dance classes from age 3 all the way through high school. One of them things. :)

[jeff-morris.livejournal.com]

#10 is one you learn the hard way...once.

JSM

[zanda-myrande.livejournal.com]

6 is not remotely true. I know this for a fact. As for 9, here's a clear and compelling reason why each one of us observes summer, or daylight saving, time: everybody else does. Spending six months being an hour early for everything and never knowing what the "real" time is gets old really quickly. Clock time is a convention, and as such is governed by consensus.

And if 11 were true, I would have missed out on some very pleasant birthdays...whereas if 12 were true, I wouldn't be half so scared every single time I drive that I'm going to do something stupid. And I'm none too sure about 3: I don't think the line's that fine, and I don't think there's a progression. Mental illness has a number of causes: being interested in something is not one of them.

The rest are all right. :)

[lady-autumnstar.livejournal.com]

The reason we observe daylight savings time is because the government says so. Just another reason I wish they'd stay out of my life.

You have a point about birthdays, but I think you missed the point (or the joke)about hobbies.

[keristor.livejournal.com]

Re. #9, The Great Summer Time Scam (http://firedrake.org/roger/time.html) has some ideas why it is implemented.

[rebelsheart]

Thank you, I needed humor about the time I found this.

[bellinghman.livejournal.com]

With regard to the post-ultimate point: here!

9? Yes - because there is no good reason for it. Only insane people think Daylight Saving Time is a good idea - the doubly insane ones think we need double daylight saving time. Keep on, and we'll be celebrating Christmas in Mayhaving breakfast when the sun goes down.

[particle-person.livejournal.com]

Christmas in May is a great idea! We may laud May for its floral attributes (particularly in contrast re April precipitation), but there's no denying a certain lack of holiday bonhomie brought on by its lack of (good) holidays. That's because they've puddled in December, cloyingly, like marshmallow fluff. The unhappy situation is compounded by a lack of Maytime gingerbread. A radical change in DST may be just what's wanted to turn this calendar around.

[wolf-moonshadow.livejournal.com]

Being that I drive in Miami, same as Dave Barry, I can state with no doubt that 12 is correct, the worse the driver actually is, the better he believes he is.

Thanks for posting these, Dave Barry's stuff is always good for a laugh.

[starcat-jewel.livejournal.com]

I take issue with #2. The real reason that the human race has not reached its potential and never will is religion.

#13 and #14, however, are profoundly true.

[dershem.livejournal.com]

Okay.... Will "camp meetings" suffice?

[shima-sama.livejournal.com]

Aww... I miss Dave's stuff. His summar of Lord of the Rings: Two Towers was so brilliant.

I love #3 about hobbies and mental illnesses the best.

[nelka35.livejournal.com]

yep. :)

here are links to some more of that style of humor(in my LJ, and in the comments as well):

http://nelka35.livejournal.com/32813.html
http://nelka35.livejournal.com/33504.html
http://nelka35.livejournal.com/35668.html
http://nelka35.livejournal.com/43137.html
http://nelka35.livejournal.com/38336.html
http://nelka35.livejournal.com/42137.html

here is a short joke, too: :)

In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, "Why are you here?"
The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here."
The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?"
The second responds, "God told me I was."
At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!"

[schaezen.livejournal.com]

#13 has been borne out to me time and time again. Personally, I am nice to the waiter because he/she is doing a job I KNOW that I couldn't do!!

[satismagic.livejournal.com]

Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

I love that! :-)