At some point, children of such parents will either decide that they cannot trust their parents or that even if their parents are somewhat trustworthy, they are totally clueless as to the child's needs and other issues.
At that point, the relationship will be permanently damaged. And likely never recover.
In my case, I'd long known that mom's ideas about life wee not compatible with the reality I was having to endure. But when the final straw came it was because we'd negotiated an agreement (in return for some extra chores I was to get to stay up late on Friday's so I could watch 3rd season of Star Trek).
When I'd done the work and time came for her to honor her side of the bargain she blew me off. At which point I went from trying to work with her to trying to minimize the unpleasantness when we clashed.
After decades of reflection I came to the conclusion that in spite of what it felt like at the time, Mom had good intentions. But that she expected me to react in certain ways when I was wired very differently.
Parents need to not only learn not to "hover" and not to try to control everything, but also that different kids are wired differently. One kid will see something you set as a challenge. Another will see the added tasks as punishment.
If your methods aren't producing results, you need to stop and consider that they aren't being seen by the child the way you see them. In which case "more of the same" will make things *worse* not better.
The classic example from my experience was that working harder to get a task done, just got another task assigned, rather than resulting in more free time. So *of course* I quit trying any harder than I had to.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2011-06-08 12:52 am (UTC)At that point, the relationship will be permanently damaged. And likely never recover.
In my case, I'd long known that mom's ideas about life wee not compatible with the reality I was having to endure. But when the final straw came it was because we'd negotiated an agreement (in return for some extra chores I was to get to stay up late on Friday's so I could watch 3rd season of Star Trek).
When I'd done the work and time came for her to honor her side of the bargain she blew me off. At which point I went from trying to work with her to trying to minimize the unpleasantness when we clashed.
After decades of reflection I came to the conclusion that in spite of what it felt like at the time, Mom had good intentions. But that she expected me to react in certain ways when I was wired very differently.
Parents need to not only learn not to "hover" and not to try to control everything, but also that different kids are wired differently. One kid will see something you set as a challenge. Another will see the added tasks as punishment.
If your methods aren't producing results, you need to stop and consider that they aren't being seen by the child the way you see them. In which case "more of the same" will make things *worse* not better.
The classic example from my experience was that working harder to get a task done, just got another task assigned, rather than resulting in more free time. So *of course* I quit trying any harder than I had to.